Oh, sure – we’ll all be tuned in tonight for the debut of the 2015 football season. But without the proper backdrop, your viewing experience just wouldn’t be complete, would it?

Be sure to check out Michael Sam! Boy, it sure is special that the NFL welcomed the first openly gay athlete in it’s history the way they did, you know, making him feel so welcome, not letting the locker room be awkward, promoting and supporting the hell out of him.

Oh, wait: Sam, the defensive player of the year in the SEC, not only failed to be drafted until the last round (something that had not happened to any previous award winner), but he was then cut by the Dallas Cowboys, the NFL’s signature franchise, before he could play a down.

At least you can watch him in the CFL, where he signed this off season. Oh, wait: he suffered essentially a nervous breakdown and quit.

You know, like what Jonathan Martin had happen to him in Miami. Bullied mercilessly by fellow teammate Richie Incognito. Martin has not played since. But luckily, Rex Ryan has such a big heart, Incognito got his ‘ol job back. Boy, can that boy block!! YEE-HAW!!

Ride em cowboy, huh? Why not, Roger? That’s what you had to explain to Lions coach Jim Caldwell the second you called him after letting Dallas cheat Detroit in the playoffs. Instead of letting the superior, up and coming young Lions do their thing, the Cowboys (at home) were allowed to blatantly hold their way to an unfair desperate comeback.

But at least that’s where the cheating stopped, huh Goodell. There’s NO WAY we would let a dwindling dynasty built on cheating, the New England Patriots, cheat their way back to the Super Bowl? Then have them out cheat the cheat master CheatHawks led by Cheat Carrol, only to have them come undone by cheating their one true G at the one-yard line? Stop cheating us! CHEATERS!

So let’s hope this season goes off without a hitch – you know, like limiting the elevator fiance KO’s – and goes as smoothly as last year did. Enjoy the “Redskin” racism truck, too.