5. Ubaldo Jimenez

As long as my balls have been properly humidified

Ubaldo can touch 100 mph on the gun, has a nice changeup (with a 10-15 mph difference), and a 12-6 curve. Plus he plays in Coors, and still holds it down.

4. Aroldis Chapman

105

Entering his 2nd year after defecting from Cuba, Chapman is legit. In spite of the fact that he’s not a starter (yet), dude can reach 105 mph on the gun. Christ on a goddamn cracker — is that humanly possible?

3. Justin Verlander

I've got that 6"-12," emphasis on the 12

Truly a g of g’s, J Ver brings the gas from innings 1 thru 9. K’ing mothafuckers left and right, Verlander exhibits overwhelming power with good control (most of the time), as well as great stamina (mind wandering…).

2. Felix Hernandez

Trade me soon?

Reigning AL Cy Young winner and strikeout champion (on a team that afforded him 2 fucking runs per start), plus he’s been dubbed King Felix since coming into the league as a teen…nothing more need be said.

1. Tim Lincecum

Stay High Stay Fly

Ahh The Freak. Since breaking into the pros Timmy Franchise has pitched 3 full seasons in which he’s led his league in K’s 3/3 times, has 2 Cy Youngs, and a WS trophy (pitching the clinching gm 5 with a line that reads: 8ing, 3h, 2bb, 10k’s). He’s got the best changeup in the game, a devastating slider, and a weed charge to boot.