THIS IS ALL ABOUT MEGATRON. ABOUT STAFFORD. ABOUT THE PLAYERS WHO ROSE FROM THE ASHES OF A BURNT DOWN SEASON TO WIN SIX OF EIGHT, CAPTURING OUR HEARTS AGAIN.

I will really miss these Lions. I know we’ll be back next year, but if someone slightly less moronic coached the season, we’d be getting ready for the playoffs in a weak NFC. Oh well, let’s remember whooping the Bears!

First of all, the defense was remarkable. They allowed no first half points and intercepted Jay “Douche of the Year” Cutler at three crucial junctures. The first was in our own end zone to prevent a field goal (a la Michigan), and the second gave us a field goal in a 7-0 game just before half. And the final was the play of the game, sealing the W.

We’ve beaten Chicago six straight times. Thanks, Jay. While Stafford drove us down the opening drive, which by the way was the finest maybe I’ve ever seen, an impeccable job of keeping them off balance, switching it up, running hard, opening lanes with timely passing – what a thing of beauty (why don’t we always do that…), Cutler kept his hands in his pockets the whole game. He is such a pussy. Just defines it.

And he was at home! Meanwhile, Stafford and Megatron put forth an all-time game. An effort so worthy of the playoffs that was risky yet needed for our fans and to secure and solidify the greatness on our roster. FIRE JIM CALDWELL, PLEASE MARTHA. For real. Why keep dabbling in mediocrity with the best QB and WR in the game? Joique Bell rushed for only 300 yards? Huh?

Our 10-0 halftime lead evaporated in the third quarter, as it was soon tied. It was getting sketchy. We didn’t want to mortgage anyone’s future without the postseason on the line. But it was still important to play. Stafford was a little more apt to leave the pocket under pressure, his key. Just go! On one third down he did just that for a first down scramble. Calvin Johnson made an extremely nice touchdown catch to give us the lead again.

Unfortunately, the Bears, dirtying the game up significantly, tied it again at 17. But, despite wearing orange paint on his jersey, #9 took us down for the touchdown. We finally utilized Johnson on shorter routes: he saved us on so many big plays. Staff Sauce found Eric Ebron over the middle in the end zone.

Cutler tacked on a gay field goal, 20-24. One last time, the defense took the field after we punted. Ziggy Ansah brought the pressure like he’d done on the end zone interception, forcing a poor throw that allowed Glover Quin to swoop in!

With Megatron’s jersey covered in grass stains, we took the final knee of the season. Job well done, Gs.