You will most certainly be missed – by one or two asians in the stands at the Palace. Otherwise, especially by your teammates and fans of ball-movement, you will not.

Oh, little Bean Bryant – ever since you came into the L you’ve done nothing but be the most narcissistic individual perhaps the world of sports has EVER seen. Prima donnas, take note: this little bitch got Shaq, the most dominant (albeit sometimes forcefully) player in his era, traded away just so he could win the title without him.

How do I know? Because the Zen Master Phil Jackson wrote an entire book about it, walking away from Bryant after labeling him the ball hog he is. Only once the Lakers added three seven footers to replace O’Neal (who’d already won a ring in Miami) did Jackson return to allow Bryant to win.

Since we spanked you so bad in 2004, it was only fitting you’d clank iron for us so many times, one last time. Boy, did you suck tonight. Classic Kobe. As a token of our love, we stormed to a 15-0 lead and never looked back, while you simply put another brick in the wall.

Go fuck yourself, Kobe.

Sincerely, DETROIT BASKETBALL