NBA All-Star Saturday

Friday night was fun, but tonight will always be special. Every kid loves the Slam Dunk Contest, and as you get older, it really brings our “little kid” back out. More on that from our new Dunk Champion later.

We began the night with a runway competition. That’s right: a fashion show. WTF?

Event #1) An NBA Legend, WNBA and NBA player try and make four shots together from selected “Hot Spots” in as little time as possible. The snarfs brought it this year! Every team made their first round in under a minute (never done before), with Scottie Pippen & Penny Hardaway bringing us back in time.

Once again, Chris Bosh, Dominique Wilkins, and Swin Cash took the title for the third year in a row. Wilkins was dogged by Kenny “The Jet” Smith on TNT’s preview, only to drain the winning half-court shot. “Jet” was just getting started.

#2) Skills Competition. A new format pitted players one-on-one until they battled off to a final champion. They made the mistake of removing the bounce pass skill, making it only one pass, then essentially a leg race. Trey Burke & Brandon Knight were each screwed by the King of Snarfs, Patrick Beverley.

Adam Silver must have saved mucho dinero on this year’s musical guests. Ella Henderson came out to sing, “Ghost,” – and then that was it! One song, again. Halftime complete.

#3) Three-Point Contest. In a highly anticipated event, all eight players stood out in a very strong field. However, again, a tweaked format led to a clown-style performance. Since the dawning of man, it’s been SHOT-SHOT-SHOT-SHOT-$$BALL. That stability let’s us have continuity year by year, letting us compare champions like Larry Bird to current ones.

Instead, after letting Beverley cheat, they got all serious on my boy J.J. Redick for having his toes on the line. The final round did not play out how we had hoped for a field of glory. The Warriors fag took down a terrible final three.

The main entertainment was Smith and Reggie Miller. Their mics were on for everyone in the arena to hear, and they wouldn’t stop talking though the shooters. It was hilarious in hindsight but incredibly distracting live. As soon as the player would begin, so would Kenny, discussing every trivial detail with Miller along the way around the shooting stations.

#4) The main event – the Slam Dunk Contest. Too tall white guy in one corner. Dreaded Indianadipo in the other. Some foreigner from Milwaukee. And finally… ZACH LEVINE. (Don’t know the name – you will soon.)

The biggest problem with the first three dunkers was timing. Greece man hyped us real well, then couldn’t even make one try – he missed all three. Akward. The crowd is so electric just begging for you to throw it down. The Indiana snarf made his on his third try and received a too high 50. It was a 45; a 50 if he’d made it on his first attempt. It was the first dunk to get the crowd going.

In came 19-year old LaVine. As a kid, he apparently found inspiration watching Space Jam and practiced dunking in his driveway from then on. He came out with THE Quad City DJ’s actually rapping “Space Jam” while rocking the Michael Jordan jersey from the movie. All he had to do was throw it down to seize his moment… He bounced it off the ground, put it between his legs, and reversed it one-handed to send us all flying out of our seats! IT WAS INCREDIBLE! A true 50, and the dunk contest was officially underway.

Round two relaxed the first two players a little more, letting Milwaukee at least complete an attempt, and Plumlee actually do something cool by leaping over his brother. Both were quickly eliminated. The real show was once again LaVine. After being lulled back to sleep by some Indianadipo misses, Zach stepped right in and nailed his first try – he gracefully swooped it behind his back in the air then flushed it home with authority! BACK OUT OF OUR SEATS! HELL-O!!

They were two of the best dunks we’ve ever witnessed by the soaring eagle. CAH-CAHH! What can I say – it brings out the little kid in all of us. Off to the final: Indiana vs. LaVine. And it wasn’t even close. The loser from our Big Ten battles couldn’t make one try, giving the contest up before it began. The kid still didn’t disappoint, taking the ball from Andrew Wiggins before going between the legs and jamming it home on his second try for a 45 (left-handed!)

This is when Kenny really lost it. Oladipo was bouncing it in front of the hoop to set up his dunk, and the “Jet” was so hype, he really got into that first bounce, saying, “THAT’S A REAL NICE BOUNCE RIGHT THERE,” before Oladipo pulled the ball back and didn’t even try a dunk. So great. Smith and Miller kept at it, each loving the ensuing bounces for different reasons. The snarf never did pull off the bounce-dunk, settling for a weaker one he could actually finish in time.

It was all up to LaVine, who just had to try and make it in with “The Doc” judging. His teammate tossed it off the backboard support to the soaring eagle, who took the ball between his legs then finished it off, sealing the contest. The dunk contest is back!