A 12-year old set the stage. This young phenom of a singer came out and reverberated the best national anthem I’ve ever heard, crushing the crescendo’s each step of the way. As his voice raised for “Rockets red glare,” my body shook with emotion. I was stunned and impressed. He finished the anthem STRONG, making me cry. I was ready for some football.

Jay Cutler could be seen on the sideline with all too perfect of a hair style. Was it perfectly combed just for the sideline? Or has Cutler figured out the Pretty Boy-Helmet hairdo. I digress. After Detroit punted their opening drive, ugly-ass Jay punched it in for a touchdown. All the Bears did was short passes, no runs, a theme that would stay prevalent throughout the game. (New England did these because no one can get past our defensive line.)

Detroit responded with a nice drive, settling for a field goal. After the defense held, we committed a costly turnover in our own red zone. A sack fumble we failed to recover put Cutler again within striking distance, setting up an early 14-3 hole. The defender who made the play, along with many Bears, could be seen laughing on the sideline. Remember, it was only the first quarter.

Megatron was our MVP. On the next possession, the Lions faced a 3rd and seven at their 25. Calvin Johnson went over the middle and secured Matthew Stafford’s rocket for our first touchdown in two weeks. Phew. With that monkey off our back, the offense was free again. After Cutler stalled, we again marched all the way down the field. Facing fourth and goal from the one, Detroit made their balls-play of the year so far with Joique Bell diving over the line to break the plane with an outstretched ball. Just like that, the Lions took the lead 17-14.

After Chicago failed to do anything with the ball, we had another opportunity with two minutes ’til the half. On this drive, Megatron became the fastest receiver to reach 10,000 yards. Congratulations! He accented the record with another spectacular touchdown grab, dragging his toes while securing the rock. Detroit scored with 28 seconds left.

The Bears came out desperate on their opening drive to begin the second half. You could tell they wanted a touchdown. However, the Lions seemed to make the halftime adjustment on those quick passes, shutting them down right away. We also recorded our first sack. JayFag worked his way into our territory but settled for the field goal.

After both teams punted, Detroit worked a six minute drive to kill the 3rd quarter, ending with another Bell rushing TD. The Bears, meanwhile, committed to the run just eight total times. The Lions knew they had to pass it, and Cutler went down for his second sack. Then, with ten minutes left, he forced a deep throw where one defender tipped it and another snagged the interception. We killed some more clock before going up 34-17 with a field goal.

With just six minutes, Detroit sacked the Bears on first down. They went three-and-out and punted. Their new coach is no Lovie. He looked scared and like he wanted no more. The Lions did an excellent job of then forcing Chicago to use all their timeouts en route to three more minutes ticking off the clock. We gave them the ball back with under two minutes left down in their own territory.

All of a sudden, CutDouche tried to score on us. Luckily, his own players stayed in bounds, letting the clock run. They no-classily made it into our redzone with one more play left. LameJay fired one into our endzone and WAS PICKED OFF TO END THE GAME. Get the fuck out of Ford Field, mother fuckers! LIONS!