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The Sporting Snarf is a website dedicated to the enjoyable, humorous, and nuanced aspects of the sporting and (to a lesser extent) pop-culture world. We attempt to touch upon (in varying degrees of print/video length) engaging topics which are not discussed nearly enough. We'd love for you to give us your perspective, network, and participate regularly. But if you'd just like to join in on the mob-mentality and get all sanctimonious on a particular sports figure -- head on over to ESPN.com. (Mickey Mouse welcomes you.) Or you can keep it real with us.

Dan’s Open Letter

Since he recently removed it from the Cavs’ website, here it is! The worst portions are highlighted (and it was so comical in hindsight, my comments are in blue):

Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert posted this letter on the team’s website after LeBron James’ announcement he was leaving for the Miami Heat.

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight (somewhere very prestigious, no doubt);

As you now know, our former hero (cue the drama), who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment (thanks?).

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you (??).

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you (not now, obviously!).

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal (But that doesn’t stop the Indians!).

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

You can take it to the bank.

Just read that last one over again for your own enjoyment. YOU CAN TAKE IT TO THE BANK.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels (#1 lottery picks don’t create themselves… oh, wait).

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there (Exactly, Gilbert).

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works (Nope).

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn (Yup). And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio (or write another chapter).

The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south (for back-to-back rings). And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma (Please, come back!!).

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland (Gee, thanks).

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only (poooop):

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue….

Dan Gilbert

Majority Owner

Cleveland Cavaliers

via Dan Gilbert’s Open Letter.

Still think LeBron might return to Cleveland? Put down the ESPN and walk away…

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2 Comments

  1. oldschool's Gravatar oldschool
    July 8, 2014    

    ……………… pull your tongue out of his ass Dan it’s embarrassing even to the ESPN suck ups!!

  2. Young $narf's Gravatar Young $narf
    July 9, 2014    

    DAN G: DELIVERING a giant DUMP on Cavs fans worldwide!

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